Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
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I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
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Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.