this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
