Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
