dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
