i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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