remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
