you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
