the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
