saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize