you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
