I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize