we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Randomize
