Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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