turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
