Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
