oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
