So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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