ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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