i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
