Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
porn star boner night. come get it.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
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