I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
