I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
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Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize