k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I am naked and annoyed.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
