If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Everclear isn't food dammit
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
