I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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