So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
