hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
