When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
