So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
