Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
