Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
