last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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