I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
