I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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