Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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