Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
