??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
