Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
