Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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