we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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