i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
