I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
