its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
