my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Dignity is for republicans.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
