Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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