I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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