Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
