I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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