Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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