also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
