My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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