this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
