Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
