Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Randomize
