Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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