Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I just want nice things and good sex
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
