I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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