he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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