Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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